You know how sometimes you feel like you are standing at the end of the road you’ve been on and no matter which way you turn you’re going to explode. You can feel it in the air all around you and it’s the overwhelming feeling throughout your body. Something’s gotta give. And soon. Because I’m going to explode. That’s how I feel right now. I feel like I have a chance to do something exciting. But so many possibilities on this road so far have turned up empty. I find it hard to find a balance right now. Something has to happen. It’s strange to have things both happening and not happening simultaneously, and I don’t think my brain knows how to keep up. Or maybe it’s simply exhaustion from trying to get the book ready and out there the way that it’s supposed to be while working 55 hours a week and trying to figure out everything that needs to be done while taking care of a toddler. Maybe that’s what it is, but even so, I have to figure out what’s going on.
It’s like I can hear the music start to go, and the drums start to beat and it gets louder in my ears and I can feel it pulsing through me. The base feels like it’s coming from the inside of my stomach and vibrating outward so that my whole body can feel it move through. I don’t know if it’s good or bad. I haven’t felt this way in a really long time. I think it’s been a long time since I’ve really needed something to go well. Since I’ve really wanted something to go well would probably be more accurate. And when I’m working in an area I have no idea how to work within, it is a bit overwhelming. I need a map so that I can figure out how to navigate this course. And this is why I don’t like blogs (writing them, I enjoy reading them). Do I want to do it all myself or do I want to let go and let someone else take over? Then I can blame them! But it feels like after all I’ve invested that’s such a loss. I need to figure out what to do. Soon. Soon soon soon soon soon. Soon.