“I don’t know if you know who you are until you lose who you are.” Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift “I Knew You Were Trouble” via MTV.com

So I’m sitting on my porch right now determining if I should brave the cold to go outside and look for meteors. Who doesn’t like shooting stars, as long as they aren’t headed towards you? And I’ve only seen a few in my lifetime thus far. And it feels like something nice to do tonight. So if you guys sit outside right after I post this we can sit out together and watch for shooting stars. But I’m probably going to be a little mad when you see them and I don’t.

The quote in the title is at the end of the video for Taylor Swift’s new song, “I Knew You Were Trouble.” I like this song. I like this concept a lot. In life we tend to learn a lot by making mistakes. Taking the wrong roads is one of the ways we learn the most about ourselves. We learn about how we react, how far we will go in situations we often thought we’d never see ourselves in to begin with. Not getting lost takes an active effort to constantly be finding your way out. Ironically enough I think it was a shooting star that helped get me lost on a journey one night that lasted far longer than it ever should have. But on that night, he walked in the doorway, and in my head my only thought was, “God I hope he’s the reason we’re here tonight.” And it turned out he was. So we went for a walk along the beach, which at that time was still unlit, because a year prior the hurricane had knocked out the road, the power lines and the majority of the houses and businesses in the area. It started out cloudy, and as we got down by the water, the clouds opened up, and like magic I looked up and there was this stupid shooting star that I made a stupid wish on. And I spent nearly 4 years trying to figure out why and how to walk away for good. But I did know he was trouble when he walked in. I just didn’t know how to walk back out back then.

It’s strange to talk about , because it’s been about two years since I’ve felt much of any way about him, but as I look back,  I was singing along to a different song the other night wondering what it was that made me care so much for so long, or what it was that had made me so sad before (the song was “Sad”  by Maroon 5, so these were very appropriate thoughts) and it turned out the reason I was sad was because he chose not to love me. It’s not that he didn’t, or that he couldn’t, it’s that he made the choice not to. And that’s the choice that everyone gets to make. That’s what makes everything such a gamble. That’s why the stakes are so high. Because at any point at any time someone can choose to walk away. Family, friends, relationships have a habit of changing, and we have a habit of leaving people behind. But it’s when the stakes are high that we feel most alive. There’s something in there when you go all in that makes you want to believe. It lights you up. It’s explosive. It’s life-changing. And sometimes we really don’t know how to get back to who we were, because we never really knew who we were before. And maybe we can never really know who we are, because we are constantly changing and life is constantly pushing and pulling. But it’s those battles that in getting past everything so there’s a clearing out there and we can look back and see who we are at that moment in that time, and that’s how we can see who we want to be. Because if we don’t know where we are starting from, we have no way to know where to go. And sometimes the stars lead us astray because until we’re lost, we can’t be found.

Now let’s go look at the stars! (Unless it’s daylight where you are… in which case I hope it’s a beautiful day!)

And if you need a book to read while you’re waiting on the stars, or some Christmas shopping to finish up while you’re waiting, you know, buy this. 🙂

About laurenc129

I'm a mom. Sometimes my hands turn orange. Other times I write. On twitter: @laurenc129

Posted on December 13, 2012, in Music, relationships, Uncategorized, writing and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 29 Comments.

  1. ” and it turned out the reason I was sad was because he chose not to love me. It’s not that he didn’t, or that he couldn’t, it’s that he made the choice not to. And that’s the choice that everyone gets to make.”

    This was so powerful and so painfully true. Great post!


  2. very nice post. Thanks!


  3. A nice post. How right you are that relationships are forever changing and that is both the scary and exciting part of them.


  4. Shout outs from Tulsa, Oklahoma! I googled the quote at the end of the Taylor Swift video and it led me here. Nice story, I will fursure buy your book. I might be 20 years old but I have lost myself along the way. On the flip side, I am extremely happy to say, I actually found my way back.
    Gracias, Sal.


  5. Reblogged this on Growing Pains and commented:
    Great post!


  6. Being a teen, we are always looking for ways to skim through life perfectly without trouble or disappoinment. However, as you wrote, it is these troubles that help make us realise what road to travel next time.


  7. I don’t believe there are right or wrong road. it’s how we deal with it that makes it either right or wrong.


  8. Eerily timely read. I am struggling with something similar now. Thank you for your words.


  9. Most souls are beautiful and fragile, as is yours… Thanks for sharing.


  10. Hi Lauren! On our way to see my babies! *Llamas* At night the stars out there are incredible!! I’ll think of you tonight when I’m looking at them! Enjoy the weekend:)…..Paula xx


  11. That’s a beautiful post, Lauren. I remember reading about that night in your book 🙂

    I’m working crazy hours this week and my work finished at 1:30am. It’s pretty cold here but the skies are crystal clear. I actually read your post on my phone as I was leaving work and I stopped to stare at the stars in the parking lot.

    Jupiter is at opposition – which means it’s opposite the sun in the sky and is visible all night. I saw it close to orange Aldebaran, the brightest star in the constellation of Taurus the Bull. Close by were the V-shaped stars of the Hyades star cluster. Orion, the Hunter, was chasing the bull across the sky and Gemini, the Twins, was a little to the east.

    For a moment, as I looked up at the scene, I had a flashback to when I was about 8 or 9 and learning the myths, legends and stories of the stars. For a moment, I caught a glimpse of a man with a club and a shield, hunting a bull with a red eye. but never quite able to catch it.

    It only lasted a moment, and then it was gone.

    The Geminid meteors are the ones that are peaking tonight. They’re called Geminids because they seem to originate from that part of the sky. I stopped, and stared, but unfortunately, I didn’t see one. I made a wish anyway.

    As I stared, I thought of this song… unfortunately, I can only find this video on YouTube… but I hope you like it anyway 🙂



    • Actually, don’t watch that video – there’s cussing in the middle LOL Try this instead: – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_GqIh2OEgQ


    • 🙂 Thanks for all of the information! I took a class in college where we went out to the beach and pointed out the constellations with a high powered flashlight. It was really neat. I only remember where Orion and Cassiopeia are. And I was watching that area last night. I saw about 10 before it got too cold and I had to go inside. It was really peaceful and nice out though. Beautiful.


      • Follow the three stars of Orion’s belt upwards and you’ll come to Aldebaran and the Hyades. Jupiter is the bright white-ish yellow “star” that’s also there. Watch carefully from night to night and it will move. Keep drawing a line upwards and you’ll come to the Pleiades star cluster – great in binoculars!

        Follow the three stars downwards and you’ll reach Sirius, the brightest star in the sky 🙂


  12. Being in the deepest love I’ve ever felt, having her profess the same, then seeing her walk away was the hardest thing ever for me. Therefore, my greatest growth opportunity! Thanks for the post!


  13. Thanks for the heads up. I’ll have to give it a look see…though I don’t know that the view will cooperate.


    • Sometimes it’s feisty like that. 🙂


    • “Because if we don’t know where we are starting from, we have no way to know where to go. And sometimes the stars lead us astray because until we’re lost, we can’t be found.”

      And by the way those thoughts are so apropos. Very astute. It reminds me of my own story and also another faimous one but I digress.
      John 3:8 (Jesus explaining to Nicodemus one night)
      8 The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.” — (I remember I had never thought of the wind that way before)


  14. It’s true we are ever changing …and it’s good and wise to look back occasionally to see how far we’ve come and maybe how far we still have to go…Diane


  1. Pingback: “I don’t know if you know who you are until you lose who you are.” Taylor Swift | betweenfearandlove

  2. Pingback: “I don’t know if you know who you are until you lose who you are.” Taylor Swift | My Blog

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