Monthly Archives: April 2012
I am exceptionally impressed by those who are able to blog daily or even regularly. I have no idea how you all are able to keep up so well. It’s a bit inspiring that people have so much they are willing to say and share so often. The psychologist in me wants to do a study on it. But, the mom in me wants to sleep 🙂
That being said, I do need to work on doing better with this thing. I’m just not certain of what all to say. I’ll have to do some more research. So for the moment I’m going to share my concern: I think my child thinks he’s British. He freaks out about Big Ben. He’s been obsessed with it for almost a year now. He corrects my American English to pronounce it in a British accent. I explained to him, that when I speak that way I have a Madonna accent, and that’s not the same. He doesn’t seem to care. He recently added Downton Abbey to our Netflix queue. This was an accident, but I thought it was ironic. We won a plane ticket to the UK and will be traveling there this fall, hopefully. I think he willed that into reality, as well. Who wins tickets to the UK? But if anyone has any ideas on what to do/how to travel when there, let me know, my imaginary friends! I can’t really blame Jack. The Beatles (who he also loves) are certainly awesome, and Big Ben is pretty great, too. So I’m hoping this isn’t something I need to worry about. All 3-year-olds have things they love. And his could certainly be worse (because to be fair, I kind of like it). Right?
While l was getting ready for bed tonight I found myself suddenly back in time. It was the first year I moved away to go to college, and everything felt real. It was as though I could even smell the smell of Starkville and my apartment in the air. It was the strangest thing. And I realized the song playing in my head was a song called Godspeed by the Dixie Chicks, and it had come out just when I had moved away. What I had been thinking about was leaving my nephews for the very first time. I had spent so much time with them over the last 3 and 4 years since they were born that it was one of the hardest experiences I had gone through. I remember the first time I heard the song I didn’t make it through to the second verse. I burst into tears and changed it to a different track. It’s one of the only songs that I cry at every time I hear it. It perfectly encapsulated how I felt about them, and how I hated being away from them. I can’t get it out of my head now. It’s ironic to me that the song never transferred to my son. I have different lullabies that make me think of him, but Godspeed brings me directly back to my nephews when they were little. When I have those moments where I am seemingly so lucidly in another place I always wonder what part of us stays behind? What mark do we leave? What traces are possibly woven ahead? It just feels so real. Like I can touch the walls from my apartment. Smell the smell of the roads. If I open my eyes I can see the city and all of the places I used to go. A true testament to how powerful the mind and our memories (and music) can be.
I’m pretty certain that you know it’s going to be a good day when you fall asleep with a cup of water in your hand and wake up because you’ve dumped that water all over yourself and your bed making it nearly impossible to return to sleep. I hope that’s the case. Although, it’s after midnight, so that means I can eat my candy, and I’ll remember to set eggs out for Jack! Maybe it’s going to work out after all. Happy Easter!
Sometimes I get concerned that my creativity is simply gone. I figure it’s similar to the: if you don’t use it you lose it, adage. It’s a muscle I only exert in terms a 3-year-old understands. He’s worth the creativity. He forces it out of me anyway, so at least it is being utilized in some form. But, I think sometimes I miss it. Even if in high school I had a teacher (one of my favorites) tout me as “the most uncreative student ever!” In actuality I only refused to be creative because I didn’t want to be graded on it. I didn’t want anyone to judge my creativity or think it was weird or worse, less than the best. So I opted to simply just do the basics. My point is, I want to be creative again. At least I think I do. So if any of the people I didn’t tell I have a blog can figure out how to make that happen, let me know! Maybe it works kind of like willing things into reality, right? Writing stuff to people who don’t know you are writing it to them, and yet they respond anyway. We’ll see. Of course while waiting, if anyone needs someone to stand on a pretend stage with a pretend microphone and tell stories about whatever a preschooler instructs them to, I’m your girl!
You know how sometimes you feel like you are standing at the end of the road you’ve been on and no matter which way you turn you’re going to explode. You can feel it in the air all around you and it’s the overwhelming feeling throughout your body. Something’s gotta give. And soon. Because I’m going to explode. That’s how I feel right now. I feel like I have a chance to do something exciting. But so many possibilities on this road so far have turned up empty. I find it hard to find a balance right now. Something has to happen. It’s strange to have things both happening and not happening simultaneously, and I don’t think my brain knows how to keep up. Or maybe it’s simply exhaustion from trying to get the book ready and out there the way that it’s supposed to be while working 55 hours a week and trying to figure out everything that needs to be done while taking care of a toddler. Maybe that’s what it is, but even so, I have to figure out what’s going on.
It’s like I can hear the music start to go, and the drums start to beat and it gets louder in my ears and I can feel it pulsing through me. The base feels like it’s coming from the inside of my stomach and vibrating outward so that my whole body can feel it move through. I don’t know if it’s good or bad. I haven’t felt this way in a really long time. I think it’s been a long time since I’ve really needed something to go well. Since I’ve really wanted something to go well would probably be more accurate. And when I’m working in an area I have no idea how to work within, it is a bit overwhelming. I need a map so that I can figure out how to navigate this course. And this is why I don’t like blogs (writing them, I enjoy reading them). Do I want to do it all myself or do I want to let go and let someone else take over? Then I can blame them! But it feels like after all I’ve invested that’s such a loss. I need to figure out what to do. Soon. Soon soon soon soon soon. Soon.