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Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful entrance into the new year. I actually wanted to go to sleep, but Jack stayed up, so I didn’t really have a choice. But we had a very enjoyable evening with the family.

I used to hate new year’s eve. It always reminded me that I wasn’t with anyone, which was always very lonely at the time. It reminded me I wasn’t where I wanted to be in terms of figuring out/following my career. I was really, really good at looking at all of the things that I didn’t do or didn’t happen for me in the past year, and assuming that the next year would be just the same.

It’s funny, because as I look back on it now, some of my favorite memories come from those new year’s eves that at the time I felt so lonely and frustrated in. I really did have good times with people I still love and have as friends today, though it didn’t always seem that way. But, I have had the fortune of having some really amazing new year’s memories since having Jack. But even moreso the past few years I have had a great new year’s because I was happy. Because even though I didn’t get to all the places I wanted to get to, and even though everything didn’t go the way I wanted, I was trying. I was trying to become the person I want to be. I was putting effort (flawed as it may be) and that made the difference. I failed, but I also succeeded. Even if the successes were small, they were real. And small steps when added together turn into giant strides. And looking back over the past few years, I have actually made much more progress than I thought I had. I’ve chased a few dreams, made a few improvements, made a few mistakes, and worked really hard. And it turns out that is a recipe for a good year. A year that has ups and downs, highlights and low, but certainly more good than bad.

So I hope everyone has the chance to do just that this year. Make some plans, chase some dreams, work hard, let the failures drive you harder, let the successes lead you forward and find your way closer to whomever it is you want to be. The you that makes you proud, the you that gives you hope that your future will truly be bright. That’s how you light the way for all who will follow you. And someone is always looking to you.

Happy new year everyone! Thank you all for your kind words and support, and I hope you feel the happiness and love I’m sending to you all!

The holy or the broken Hallelujah

“Hallelujah” via nbc.com

Silent Night, Children’s Choir via nbc.com

Sometimes we find that life places holes in our hearts. Holes that never fully disappear. They house emptiness. They house sorrow. They house all of the things we wish to have never experienced. But, hopefully, over time, little by little, moment by moment, day by day, month by month, year by year, those holes begin to fill. They fill slowly, not always steadily, but if we let them, they fill. And if we let them fill, they will fill with love. Love that doesn’t remove the memory, but brings it peace. Love that allows us to wake up again and begin to heal. Love is the only thing strong enough to fill those holes. To overcome those sorrows, that emptiness. So I pray that each day slowly, but surely those holes that we all have begin to fill. That love can find its way in.

“There’s a blaze of light in every word
It doesn’t matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah”

– Leonard Cohen, “Hallelujah”

 

A quick trip to the pumpkin patch and other stories…

Image

Well, hellooooo! It’s been a while!  A long while! But I get to write again some now, and that’s exciting. I hope everyone has been well. I’ve missed you guys! School is in full swing, but hopefully I’ll get to write more often now.

Today we stopped by a pumpkin patch. Jack had fun, but all of the pumpkins that weren’t insanely ginormous had already started to go bad, so we ended up not getting one. Well, Jack got a baby one that he was very excited about. It didn’t seem to matter to him, so we are going to paint that and try to find one to carve elsewhere.

Over the past few months as life has been changing in very extreme ways both very positive and very negative, it’s been a frustrating and exciting quest towards the future. The thing that I realized the most was that life really is hard. When you don’t know how to make a way for your family to survive, it’s hard. When you can’t see past your bills, it’s hard. When you can’t find things that make you happy, it’s hard. When you look around and it seems everyone has someone but you, it’s hard. Life is hard. The things that we are trying to accomplish in our lives, even the simple things can be hard. And when I was watching one of my favorite movies, “A League of Their Own,” I heard one of my favorite lines, and it goes like this: “It’s supposed to be hard. If it wasn’t hard, everyone would do it. The hard… is what makes it great.” It’s hard. Life is, but it’s also great. Every day we have new chances, new opportunities. We have the chance to do something that makes us feel a little more like the person we want to be. And sometimes that involves just getting through the day. But we can work to make sure that we build something into our time, into our days to be able to say to ourselves each night, I am a little closer than I was when I woke up. And as time goes forward, we will have become the person we want to become, and we will be doing the things we want to be doing, because we took the time when it was hard to make sure that the hard was worthwhile.

(As a little side-note, I LOVE this movie. LOVE it. It’s one of the first movies that ever made me cry. That’s weird, I know. And I cried because at 10 I realized that my time playing softball was limited. I would graduate high school and I wouldn’t get to play anymore. And I really loved softball, and sports in general. One of the things I miss most about being young is that comradery that accompanies a group of people with the main goal of working together, getting better and building each other up in order to achieve something great. We wanted to win and we were willing to fight, even when it was hard. In fact, we cheered each other on to work even harder when it was hard, because we wanted to win. We wanted to succeed. And I think if we continued that type of thinking and working together into adulthood the world would be a much better place. And hopefully, even though it’s been a while, hopefully when you come to this site, it’s a place where we build each other up, and inspire one another on our journeys, especially when it’s hard.)

(And as a final side-note for the night, my goal is to get up early with Jack tomorrow and exercise, because I am still using him as an excuse not to, so instead since he’s interested in running and yoga, I’m going to try to do those with him. Because, in all seriousness, I should not be this out of shape.  So, I’m going to start the week off on the right foot, by exercising, cooking something healthy, and writing! I’m in a better mood just having written this! Happy start to the week everyone!!! )

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